Try as you might there is little escaping Valentines Day this Thursday. We know it’s not for everyone and for those who want to completely escape it there are plenty of lists out there for the best anti-Valentines Day movies. Now, despite our tough exteriors (*cough*) we at Shoving Buddies HQ are a bunch of softies really. But we also like to do things a little differently.
So for those of you who want to cuddle up with a movie on Thursday but don’t want a cheesy rom-com, here is our Top 10 Best Alternative Valentines Day Movies:
10. American Beauty (1999): Kevin Spacey, Annette Benning, Chris Cooper
Nothing will make your other half appreciate how good they have it with you than watching Kevin Spacey not even try and hide the fact he is frantically masturbating next to his wife in bed while she sleeps. Watching Lester self destruct in his middle class nightmare and care less should make everyone try a little harder in their relationships. Also has the most brilliantly awkward kiss in recent movie history.
9. Ghost World (2001): Thora Birch, Scarlett Johansson, Steve Buscemi
The film with Scarlett Johansson before she got all super hot. Ladies can gloat at how ordinary she looks; guys can gawp safely because she is actually still quite hot but agree with the ladies that she is definitely not that hot and obviously anyone can look hot with enough money, time and personal trainers. Everyone’s a winner. Also got Steve Buscemi in it so that automatically makes it necessary viewing.
8. Die Hard (1988): Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman
A true love story. Gives every man the perfect opportunity to turn to their other half and say “I’d walk over broken glass for you, you know”. A career making role for Bruce Willis who has never been better in a role requiring him to throw out one liners like “yippie kay ay mother fuckers”. Plus Alan Rickman as one of the iconic cinematic villains of all times. True story: my Cousin used to work in the Nataktomi Building (actually Fox Plaza in Century City). I went there a couple of time. Less German terrorists than you’d think. Now everyone say it with me; “Hans…boobie”
7. Fargo (1996): Frances McDormand, William H Macy, Steve Buscemi
You’ll feel so cold from the Dakota landscapes in Fargo you’ll have no choice but to cuddle in to each other. Got some of the most brilliantly quotable dialogue from any Coen Brother’s film not called the Big Lebowski and Steve Buscemi in a wood chipper. Get cosy and get ready to start saying “ooookay then” a lot.
6. So I Married An Axe Murder (1993): Mike Myers, Nancy Travis, Anthony LaPaglia
Ladies, no matter how much grief him indoors gives you at least you can point to Nancy Travis’s psycho Harriet Michaels and say “Careful sunshine, we can all get a little axey sometimes…Best you get the washing in like I asked”. And at the same time enjoy a great pre-Austin Powers Mike Myers continuing to find his feet after the success of Wayne’s World.
5. Chasing Amy (1997): Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Jason Lee
Unrequited love, betrayal, lesbians who fall in love with guys, guys who fall in love with their best friends, awkward threesome proposals, long discussions about oral sex and cartoons. It’s what Valentine’s Day is all about, isn’t it? Also worth watching for Ben Affleck sporting the worlds worst goatee. Fact.
4. Zombie Land (2009): Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson
Rule #8 of the Zombie Apocalypse is “Get Yourself A Kick Ass Partner”. If you can’t make that line work for you on Valentine’s Day then you’re not trying hard enough. An old fashioned love story about boy meets girl, boy tries to save girl from Zombie Apocolypse, girl turns out to be bad-ass-hard-as nails. Like Die Hard gives every man a perfect opportunity to turn to their good lady/man and say “I’d fight off a marauding zombie crowd in a creepy abandoned theme park to show my undying love for you as well, you know……probably”. Less likely than broken glass but impactive none the less.
3. Stranger Than Fiction (2006): Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman, Maggie Gyllenaal
One of the most brilliantly executed ideas of any film I have seen in a long time. This film is both cute and startlingly original. Proof that Will Ferrell can act in small gestures and do it very well. Maggie Gyllenhaal is for my money one of the most underrated girl-next-door actresses around. Might be a difficult watch if you hear voices in your head though, particularly if they sound like Emma Thompson.
2. Dusk Till Dawn (1996): George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Keitel, Salma Hayek, Juliette Lewis
The film that proved Clooney was more than a smirk in an above average TV hospital drama, this is an experience of two halves dripping with sleaze and knowing references to exploitations movies of the 70s. I struggle to understand why Tarantino and Rodriguez made their grindhouse movies when the best one was already in the can 13 years earlier. Littered with pop culture references and the only decent Tarantino acting effort of his on screen career. Played a sociopathic sex offender with a young girl fetish a little too well possibly. Guaranteed to have your other half snuggling into you for comfort when the shit hits the vampire fan. Warning: you may find yourself unknowingly repeating Cheech Marin’s famous pussy speech in awkward social situations.
1. True Romance (1993): Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Gary Oldman, Dennis Hopper, Christopher Walken
The best Tarantino film is one he wrote but never got close to directing. His brilliant words in the hands of efficient popcorn director Tony Scott produced this love story for the ages. Two lovers destined to self destruct but never care caught up in a world of white Rasta drug dealers and Hollywood coke heads. Worth the admission for the coming together of Walken and Hopper in what is, for my money, the best exchange Tarantino has ever written. Don’t blame us though if you’re other half wants you to spice things up by having sex in a phone box.